this is a blog about a journey from fear to faith, from panic to peace, from terror to trust.
i am a Christian who struggles with derealization and panic attacks, after a traumatic incident that occurred when i was 13. it’s been years later, and there’s nothing for me to be afraid of, but the fear remains. and sometimes, it takes over my life.
i look back ashamed at what the fear has made me. the moments pulled over in the emergency lane on the freeway, shaking, eyes closed, willing it to stop. the hasty exits from crowded rooms, sometimes in the middle of a conversation. even, sometimes, the inability to go down aisles in grocery stores.
it’s stupid, i tell myself over and over again. it’s all in your head.
i believe that derealization, at least in my life, is a symptom of spiritual attack. it comes at all the wrong moments, the moments that jeopardize my witness or render me incapable of listening to someone else’s needs. it also comes whenever i try to reach out for help (which i have).
my closest friends (and those unfortunate enough to witness an episode) know that i struggle with this, but most people never guess. they will never know that something as simple as my daily commute becomes a mental battle, me versus the fear in my head telling me to turn around, to pull over, to quit.
well, i’m not a quitter.
i have refused to let derealization, my response to the things i’m afraid of, control my life. i refuse now. the fears are only real if i yield to them.
i am a daughter of Christ, and fear will not rule in my life. Christ is my center, my ruler, and there is no room for anything or anyone else to have mastery over me.
that’s what this blog is about. the things that make me feel brave, the ways i fight this fear inside me. the verses that encourage me in my struggle… and hopefully encourage you. life is beautiful, my friends.
fear robs life of its beauty, and i. will. not. be. robbed.
by the power of Christ in me, i choose joy.